Domestic Violence: The Elephant In the Room

By Sarah Ross, Tufts University Medical School student

She left her home in China to come to the US with her husband, completely trusting that he would always love and protect her. Now, only a few years later, the change is so great that it amazes her. Her husband now has a good job and has learned English very quickly. However, he forbids her to learn English, and she rarely leaves her home except to go shopping for groceries. The only money she has is that which her husband gives her, and it is barely enough to buy food. During the day, she feels alone and misses the many friends she had in China. Here she is isolated. At night, her husband often comes home late and drunk. He wakes her up out of her sleep and commands her to cook dinner for him. He yells at her for her "laziness" and sometimes hits her several times. Then he falls asleep, and she is alone with her thoughts. She wonders if she should truly "be a loyal and good wife" and stay with her husband like her mother advised. What she would really like to do is escape somehow, but she has no idea where to start. This country is foreign to her.

Although this is a story not often told in the Chinese community, it is very similar to what hundreds of Chinese women experience in America each year. In fact, in the National Violence Against Women Survey (1999), it was discovered that physical abuse in Chinese communities was high-69% of respondents claimed that they were beaten as children. Even more importantly, almost one half of those surveyed said they knew a woman who was in an abusive relationship. Why has there been such silence over the years? Why is there such a reluctance to address what is clearly a problem in the Chinese community?

According to Reema Kalra, the Outreach Coordinator for the Asian Task Force Against Domestic Violence, the problem stems from many things. First and foremost, it has a deeply rooted cultural basis. "In the Chinese community, gender roles and stereotypes are severely exaggerated and a shift from these stereotypes is frowned upon. In addition, the stigma associated with being a divorced woman and bringing shame upon family and community makes it extremely difficult for the woman to act on her situation." Second, there are more difficulties associated with being an immigrant. "Language is many times a huge barrier," said Kalra. If the victim isn't comfortable speaking English or isn't aware of resources existing in her own language, she may feel uneasy about seeking help. Immigration status is also a huge deterrent since many abusers use deportation threats as a control tactic. In addition, many times the immigrant victim is dependent on the spouse for legal status in the US and the victim often doesn't realize that the law does offer protection to domestic violence victims who are immigrants. Additionally, said Kalra: "The victim and the community often have a misunderstanding of what domestic violence really is. Many times, people think it's only physical abuse. It is difficult for the victim to regard emotional, sexual, verbal and financial abuse as forms of domestic abuse."

Clearly, these problems may seem daunting to any woman. However, they are not insurmountable.

The Asian Task Force Against Domestic Violence has been helping Asian women who are victims of domestic abuse since 1987. The nonprofit offers many services specifically for Asian women who are in abusive situations. Some of these services are a 24-hour multilingual hotline and an emergency shelter in New England. It also provides individual counseling and support groups, and it offers help with legal issues, healthcare, housing and public benefits. English as a second language tutoring, parenting classes, children's advocacy, and information about job and education opportunities are also provided.

"First of all, remember that you are not alone," said Kalra. "There is help out there and people willing to listen to you and provide their services for yourself and your children."

If you or someone you know is being abused, call the Asian Task Force Against Domestic Violence Hotline at (617) 338-2355.